show me the [lack of] money

not money in the literal, tangible, sense of dollar signs. but what it represents. well, what it represents to me... peace of mind, opportunity, ability to help others, relief of frustration and stress.

it seems that any time we need to make a decision we go through this whole ordeal of making lists and discussing pros and cons and weighing options and costs involved, trying to obtain spiritual guidance, etc., etc., etc. and it seems in the end we tend to choose the difficult route. i'm not sure if it's selfishness or greed or just plain stupidity and ignorance. perhaps my perspective is skewed or maybe it's just that i'm only analyzing recent decisions. but what i see is that our choices most oftentimes lead us down the road less traveled. instead of a road that's paved with smooth concrete and fabulous signs, we take a road full of rocks and potholes and no directional help whatsoever.

over 5 years ago, when trying to make a decision about residency, we thought we chose what was easy; what was 'sure'. instead it led to a cross-country move and this crazy place we live in. 3 years ago, when faced with unacceptable conditions regarding luigi's academic instruction and environment we thought we chose the easier option of homeschooling - which would avoid a move to another town or lots of costs in private schooling. instead it's just been full of insane other things that shouldn't even be mentioned here. as we've lived here, knowing exactly when we would resell this house, we thought we made good choices that would make life easier for selling - such as repainted and retiling. instead we haven't finished the things we've started and now we've made such a mess that the extra work is just causing pain. now we're in the process of deciding what to do with this annoying house in the middle of a recession. we interviewed 4 realtors (man that was exhausting!) all in one day. we've discussed options of renting it out, lease to own, short sale, foreclosure, conventional realtor, help-u-sell, and FSBO. our house is NOT ready to show or take pictures of for a listing and we are running out of time. after spending hours and days mulling over options and choices and variables, i'm thinking maybe i could just save myself a lot of time and stress if someone just tells me what choice is the hardest, what will cause the most trouble for us, and i'll just choose that one. it seems to be where we land anyway, given our history.

i know the very familiar saying among my church culture of 'i never said it would be easy, i only said it would be worth it'. and because of that i naturally just assume things that aren't hard, aren't worth having or experiencing. but i'm tired. i'm worn out. i'm looking for easy now. i don't care about the worth it part anymore. i just wanna catch a break! are we just looking for the wrong things? are we just working too hard for something that we shouldn't even be wanting in the first place? is the nice quiet neighborhood without broken cars parked on lawns just a sign of greed? logically we tell ourselves things like 'money isn't everything' and 'money can't buy happiness'. but then why do we also keep feeling like we're so unhappy without it? it's so contradictory. if you can't afford to send your kid to scout camp, does that make it an unrighteous desire? if what brings you peace of mind, costs more than what others are satisfied with, does that mean you're prideful and selfish and greedy and materialistic?

when fellowship is over and the 'real job' starts, the income will be 5-7 times more than san diego salary. i don't want to be defined by how many numbers are after the dollar sign on a paycheck. i don't want to change just because of our address or how many vacations we can afford. i don't think money can buy happiness. but what if i enjoy buying expensive clothes and shoes and visiting exotic places? what if i love having someone come and help around the house? what if my stress levels are lowered by living in a newer home where things don't have to be fixed all the time? if i feel relief and peace and joy when we reach that place, then what will that say about me?